Here I am

I've been meaning to write this blog for ages now, but it being my first English piece that won't require an analysis of German inter-war cinema or a praise for Aaron Sorkin's dialogue, I wanted it to be something spectacular. The problem, of course is that spectacular is an interesting concept which in my case demonstrates mainly in procrastinating, or simply waiting for something to happen. I wanted to open this with a sentence 'so I've turned 27' which would have been more relevant, had it not been a few weeks ago; but as for spectacular, this afternoon has been pretty interesting and it had a lot to do with my age as well, and with why I find it so defining, yet ridiculous at the same time.

Every woman has few items of clothing that mean the world to her - my skiing jumper that my dad despises and my best friend actually hides for me in Germany, my grandmother's vintage dress I only had on once and a coral jacket. Now, we call this jacket 'the Samantha Jones'. I'm a fan of Sex and the City, loud and proud. I think it had a terrific writing and was incredibly defining on so many levels. The jacket reminded me of the wardrobe of the character and me and my dear friend refer to it that way ever since. Samantha Jones rocks. Kim Cattrall rocks. The reason why I'm bringing this up is because on a quiet afternoon like this, when I'm writing my diary (oh yes), trying to get my shit together and figure out where to take things, I somehow ended up listening to a podcast of Woman's Hour with Cattrall as a guest editor. The subjects she wanted to discuss were ageing, being nearly 60 and single and child-free. Literally when the podcast was over, my phone bleeped with a message from a former school mate replying to a follow up message wishing me a happy birthday, in which I said 'I have recently moved, trying to get a proper job, slowly but surely getting on the right track.' He's asking: 'Where did you move? Did you buy?' Now - it is a completely natural reaction and it was not about the question itself, rather than the feeling I got when juxtaposed with the podcast.

I'm not entirely sure if I end up making any sense at all, but I'll do my best.

Ever since I was a child, I've always been super focused on the future. You know the 'when I grow up'. Not in a sense of having a clear idea, but having an idea to begin with. We all grow up thinking we will go to some sort of educational institution, get a job, find a partner, get married, have kids, buy a place, go on holidays, etc. Obviously, not everyone has the same plan, not everyone has a plan, but there usually is some social pre-construct that we tend to follow whether it is on a conscious level or not. It's tiring.

I come from an Eastern European background and though my entire family lives in the capital and you might call them liberal, it still is a liberal use of the word liberal. Growing up in conditions where the national mindset is - it's impossible, it can't be done, don't expect anything and then you won't be disappointed, can be quite challenging. Wanting different things and subsequently chasing after them can be quite challenging. Now, I'm not saying the western values are the gold and our traditions are worth nothing, I'm talking about the attitudes. How my grandparents tend to take a while to understand when I say that I'm truly okay with being single and how I do not intend to start a family and how my birthday this year was absolutely fantastic because I spent it alone and it completely mirrored my state of mind in a good way.

The Kim Cattrall podcast deals with feminist issues and they need to be addressed, but it also deals with social issues in general - expectations etc, whether you're a woman or not. By the way, I still find it funny to refer to myself as a woman - how can I be a woman? Few years ago, I barely knew how to recognise the signs of instant soup boiling (true story), yet I think if I saw a woman of my age with her child, I wouldn't think twice to call her that. Domestic skills or maternal instincts, rigid definitions never really worked for me.

I'm a 27 year old woman who comes from Slovakia and has lived in the UK for five years now. Culturally, I struggle. I'm still in touch with many people at home and often, these relationships clash. They clash with my life here, with what I want my life to be, with what I had hoped my life would be, with what my life is not, so when someone's reaction about my moving includes question 'did you buy?', it makes me want to lough and cry at the same time.

A couple of months ago, I've decided to move on. I'm not a particularly spontaneous person, but when I make important decisions, I tend to go big, so the end of my post-uni fucking about era was not a sensible - save up for a deposit, find a flat, get the interviews going in London and then step into a solid future - type of plan; I packed my bags and moved to Scotland, for various reasons, but one of them being a true longing for romantic escape. Starting over somewhere new where you don't know anyone is the romantic part. The worry about whether you can pay the rent is the other, less romantic, but at the same time the truly romantic part. I'm good now. I have a roof over my head, a job to pay the bills, I'm not starving and at no point was I homeless, but I could not be further from being 'sorted'.

I'm definitely in no position to buy a place. I wish I was, but I'm not. I could try to reason with myself and dedicate a section on what's normal, but I'm not going to waste my energy and time of whoever's made it this far in reading (congratulations and thank you, I'm usually not this boring). The fact is that I spend way too much time pondering my decisions, whether they're age-appropriate, my potential appropriate (that one's a favourite) and what other people do. Should I be buying a flat already? Is it okay to say that you actually don't want any children and the 'if I meet the right person' is just a strategy to avoid a pointless conversation you're not in the mood for? Is it okay to say that you do not intend to move back home because why would you? Is it okay to say that no matter where you end up, you can't erase the upbringing you had and therefore a certain mindset tends to creep back and suddenly you're confused?

I say it is.

So I've turned 27 and I don't have it figured out. It's okay. As long as I take it one step at a time - one of the steps being that I miss writing and I want to write. Sadly, I'm easily discouraged and I'm worried about my English, about whether I have anything to write about or what will people think. Well, here's the thing, none of that really matters so here I am.